There's logic, then there's heart.

For lack of better words, I still regret keeping this pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant, I was only five weeks. The fetus did not possess a heart beat at that time. It was not a LIVING organism. I could have taken the abortion pill, which basically induces a miscarriage. In other words, my period would have been late. I would have went out, bought a box of tampons, a lot of drugs and ice cream.

But then ...I think, when I found out I was pregnant I immediately fell in love with my unborn child. Even though I knew it was not living ...it still had the potential to grow, to live, to become my son or daughter.

There's logic, then there's heart. I've spent too much of my eighteen years relying on logic; I chose to follow my heart as I continue to do. I dropped out of school, quite the illogical choice, yes, but it did give me perspective. Delaying my education was the worst thing I did, but I have motivation now that I did not have. I know what I want to do with the rest of my life. Perhaps being pregnant gave me a new perspective; I want to have a career and BE something so that my child can have a good future, something I never got.

I love my baby so much. I feel him/her move around almost every day now. Usually when I'm on my left side relaxing on the couch or in my bed. I'm so anxious to actually see my belly roll from the movements that he/she makes.

Anyway, everything with "baby daddy" is rocky. Uphill and downhill. A roller coaster. A really bad dream. I know that this pregnancy has really taken a toll on the both of us. We're both scared, I know that. But I feel that I am dealing with it in a much more calm manner than him; he cracks jokes, which are really not funny, about abortion. He still has it in his head that I kept this pregnancy because I want to keep him. Far cry from the truth, my dear. If anything, this pregnancy is driving us apart. I am more than willing to work at our relationship because I do love him. But as he tells me, he doesn't love me, therefore I know there's no obligation when it comes to putting effort into keeping our relationship alive. I hope we last. I'm a very passive person, or just very pathetic. I forgive and although, I do not forget, I bite my tongue and accept any and all flaws that come with this boy. I don't know when my sanity escaped me, but it'll probably never return.