Belly Picture @ 18 weeks

Eighten Weeks!

Exactly one more week until I get that ultrasound, and hopefully the little one spreads his or her legs! The techs have a policy where they DO NOT TELL YOU THE SEX! So, I'm hoping to harass the woman to death until she does. I'll use strategic questions such as: "Can you tell me what THAT is? *as I point to the region between his/her legs*, or I'll say something along the lines of, "If I went shopping today for baby clothes, should I buy lots of blue or lots of pink?" If this woman REFUSES to answer any of those questions, I will scream and cry and harass her more. I am NOT leaving that room without knowing what I'm having. HELL to the NO.

• Anyway, my belly is growing. Still no stretchmarks, I hope to keep it that way.
• Sex is becoming painful... Usually I could go for hours on end but now I get sore after about 10 minutes. TMI?
• I keep having dreams about how I'm going to support my child financially and it always ends the same way; my Mom suggests I become a hooker. Thanks Dream-Mom. I really don't know what I'm going to do in regards to residency and income. I could move out on my own, and get welfare, but how would I even be able to afford clothing for my child and I AND food? Fuck. If my boyfriend moved out with me it'd be a whole other story since there'd be two shared incomes. I really wish he'd see that...

153 more days until reality really hits! But I'm excited nevertheless!

Raging Hormones

I think I feel the onset of another yeast infection. I honestly cannot express how physically and mentally exhausting it is to deal with one of these things ...especially since this is probably my 10th one in a span of 2 or 3 years. After I give birth, I want to cut out my vagina and all of the female crap that goes a long with it. Too much damn hassle!

Asides from my hatred towards my womanly parts; I'm also feeling quite disconnected from my boyfriend. We haven't been on the same wave length for a while and I feel as though we're only sticking together for the sake of our child. I'm getting really tired of him feeling as though he doesn't need to tell me where he's going (OK obviously not every second but if you're going to stop texting me COMPLETELY ...tell me what you're doing please) ...My anxiousness also comes from my own problems; lack of trust, self esteem issues ...I constantly assume he's cheating, or is planning on cheating, or doing something that I would murder him for. But fuck! I'm stuck at home all day cleaning and doing online assignments, I take care of my sister all week AND deal with the woes of pregnancy, especially the woes of being ALONE and pregnant. I guess it's my fault. I should see more of my friends and quit worrying about someone who clearly doesn't give a flying shit about me.
Oh oh hormones, go away!

Thank God it's Friday! Maybe I can relax .........ha!

Mommy's Name Choices

Girl Names

1. Acadia
2. Alora
3. Ava
4. Delia
5. Elisia
6. Laura
7. Ramona

Boy Names

1. Carlos
2. Dorian
3. Ethan
4. Ezra
5. Lucian
6. Matthew
7. Xavier

These are all in alphabetical order ...I'm not going to tell the boyfriend my choices. He'll make his own list and then we'll trade and cross off the phones we 100% DO NOT LIKE and then compare the ones we do like. We'll see how that goes. If worst comes to worse, I'm picking the name I like regardless of how mad he gets. I'm not naming my child something ridiculous just to make him happy. F that!

Sneezing...

I sneeze from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. I sneeze all day long. I've been sneezing like this for my entire pregnancy. But tonight, I sneezed and peed my pants. It was such an odd feeling; losing control over my bladder ....but when I went to the washroom I expected yellow pee (meaning I held it for too long or something) but it was clear. I peed almost two hours prior to this ...event...and since then, drank half a cup of milk. Half a cup of milk and a sneeze = wet pajama pants for me. Thank you fetus, thank you very much. I really hope this doesn't happen when I'm out.

But in other news ... this monster is seventeen weeks along!  
161 more days until he can start peeing on me and let me keep my pee in my bladder!!

Sixteen weeks

This was taken at sixteen weeks. At this point, the baby is the size of an avocado. I am almost in my seventeenth week. Time is really flying!

163 more days!

There's logic, then there's heart.

For lack of better words, I still regret keeping this pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant, I was only five weeks. The fetus did not possess a heart beat at that time. It was not a LIVING organism. I could have taken the abortion pill, which basically induces a miscarriage. In other words, my period would have been late. I would have went out, bought a box of tampons, a lot of drugs and ice cream.

But then ...I think, when I found out I was pregnant I immediately fell in love with my unborn child. Even though I knew it was not living ...it still had the potential to grow, to live, to become my son or daughter.

There's logic, then there's heart. I've spent too much of my eighteen years relying on logic; I chose to follow my heart as I continue to do. I dropped out of school, quite the illogical choice, yes, but it did give me perspective. Delaying my education was the worst thing I did, but I have motivation now that I did not have. I know what I want to do with the rest of my life. Perhaps being pregnant gave me a new perspective; I want to have a career and BE something so that my child can have a good future, something I never got.

I love my baby so much. I feel him/her move around almost every day now. Usually when I'm on my left side relaxing on the couch or in my bed. I'm so anxious to actually see my belly roll from the movements that he/she makes.

Anyway, everything with "baby daddy" is rocky. Uphill and downhill. A roller coaster. A really bad dream. I know that this pregnancy has really taken a toll on the both of us. We're both scared, I know that. But I feel that I am dealing with it in a much more calm manner than him; he cracks jokes, which are really not funny, about abortion. He still has it in his head that I kept this pregnancy because I want to keep him. Far cry from the truth, my dear. If anything, this pregnancy is driving us apart. I am more than willing to work at our relationship because I do love him. But as he tells me, he doesn't love me, therefore I know there's no obligation when it comes to putting effort into keeping our relationship alive. I hope we last. I'm a very passive person, or just very pathetic. I forgive and although, I do not forget, I bite my tongue and accept any and all flaws that come with this boy. I don't know when my sanity escaped me, but it'll probably never return.