Unhappy

I love my daughter, but I am incredibly unhappy. I have no life. I never see my friends. I'm always alone. I need a change. What is it?

DRESS UP

Not a fan of dress up, just a die hard fan of boob.

Totally her father's daughter.

GROWING UP SO FAST

At Violet's last appointment (2 weeks old) she weighed in at 8 pounds 9 ounces! Doc said she's gained a lot quicker than most two week olds; "keep doing what you're doing," he said! Proud mama.

I'm not moving. Matt is gonna help my Mom out, and she'll basically be our roommate. I'll get into more details when I have two hands to type with -- currently rocking Vi to sleep.

Sleepy Smile!

Milk Machine

Breastfeeding was hard at first. She had a terrible latch; pinched my nipple hard with her gums. I was only producing colostrum, and very little of it too, making Violet frustrated and me wince in pain. My nipples were bleeding by day 4 or 5. I began pumping to relieve myself; my boobs were so swollen, hard and sore! Pumping helped a lot and gave my nipples a much needed break. However, I now have nipples of steel and I produce a lot of milk. I can pump 3 oz in 10 minutes, I'm a champ! Violet has been abusing me though, she uses me as a pacifier for when she's fussy. I don't mind, but she does this mainly at night and by then I'm way too tired and sore (recovering from a c-section is not easy!) so she sucks, and sleeps on my chest all night. This is bad, co-sleeping, because she now hates her crib. I'm hoping to ween her off the crib soon... but maybe tomorrow night. Maybe, ha ha.

Daddy's Girl!

How is Mom and Violet doing?

On Monday, April 2nd, I was informed that Violet had jaundice and the doctor made her get blood taken -- I bawled my eyes out while she screamed. She screamed so much she pooped right up her back. I was able to feed her and calm her down so that we could leave the building peacefully. She was also 7 lbs 8.5 oz which concerned the doctor. He said she was gaining weight, but slowly. (She was born 7 lbs 15 oz) ...my milk had just come in, so I really felt inadequate. On Wednesday we went back and were told that the jaundice level was normal, and she now weighed in at 7 lbs 13 oz, yay! Doctor told me to keep doing what I'm doing.

As for me, my PUPPPs returned with a fucking vengeance. Dominating my entire body with massive, itchy, red/purple hives. My c-section is also infected, and a little open. Wonderful. I'm taking antibiotics to help heal it, and Benadryl and cream to get rid of this rash. $ 59 dollars later... On top of that, when I was discharged from the hospital I had to buy fifty dollars worth of medication (Iron supplements, stool softeners, pain medication (Oxy) and anti-inflammatories) ...I stopped taking the stool softeners, as well as the Oxy. 

Anyway, today Violet spent her entire day fussing. She used my boob to soothe her and right now she's on my lap in and out of sleep. She needs her diaper changed but if I wake her to do that, it'll be hours before she's down again. What to do ...what to do... I need to change my pad and gauze but I can't. I'm stuck.

Oh yeah, I'm moving into Matthews house. We'll save money, it'll be more convenient, blah blah. I'm hardly thrilled but I am excited to get away from this drama-packed hell hole I currently reside in. Oh, and I'm quite excited to snuggle with my boyfriend every single night! (Providing miss Violet sleeps in her damn crib!)

Birth Story

Tuesday around 12:30/1 am, I was admitted into the hospital — to be induced. I was exactly 41 weeks by this point and ready to pop this baby out! Little did I know…

At 2 am they broke my water — a long chop stick looking object poked inside me and I gushed what felt like really warm pee. I held Matthew’s hand the entire time, just staring at him; I was nervous. I had sexy mesh underwear put on me and a pillow pad. I was told that because my water was now broken, taking a bath to relieve contractions was not happening.

My nurse drew blood and, get this, gave me a vile to shake. Yeah, a vile of my fresh warm blood to play with — to distract me, she said. Soon after I was hooked up to pitocin. The first contractions weren’t too bad — I tried watching a movie but decided sleep would be more beneficial.

Matthew dozed off, and then my contractions began.

I refused all medication until 1:30 pm — I had enough. I got the epidural and it was such a relief! By this point I was 6 cm dilated. I think I did pretty well though. But apparently everyone thought I was demonic. I bounced on that ball and Matthew rubbed my back through every contraction. Each contraction was 30 seconds a part, and strong!

When I went to the washroom, I had to take a shit (I’m such a lady) and let me just say, trying to poo and breathe through a contraction is not very fucking easy.

At about 4:30 pm, the nurse woke me up to do an internal. I thought for sure I’d be dilated at least 8 cm … nope. I was barely 7 cm which meant between 1:30 and 4:30, I didn’t dilate. Baby’s heart beat was rising but they assured me, it wasn’t an emergency. They gave me the option to wait until I dilate (or until it turns into an emergency) or have a c-section. I cried. I didn’t want to have a c-section because I wanted the experience of child birth — feeling her head crowning, pushing, etc., etc., But I didn’t want to risk her safety.

I told them I decided on the c-section and as the nurses came in to wheel me to the operating room, I realized I couldn’t find my cell phone. They looked everywhere, nothing. But that wasn’t important, so off I went. When I was in the operating room, they rubbed some stuff on my belly, injected more drugs into my IV, put up the curtain that was way too fucking close to my face and ignored me. I was thirsty; my tongue was dry and I felt like I was going to vomit. My hands were shaking uncontrollably. I was incredibly nervous. I kept passing out. I finally saw Matthew and my Mom, and then they started cutting. I felt lots of pressure and I moaned through it all, but when they went to grab her out, I felt the tugging and screamed. Then gushed. I was convinced I was gushing blood. I was convinced I was going to die. I kept asking why she wasn’t crying, was she okay? But I heard her, and passed out. Matthew brought her over to me and showed me her face — she looks exactly like him. He asked me what I want to name her and I told him I like Violet, he smiled and that was it. My breathing slowed and I passed out again.

Did I mention he cried. He sobbed. Loud sobs when they pulled her out. It was beautiful. He loves her so much — immediate love.

When they lifted me onto the stretcher, they found my cell phone stuck to my back! Luckily it was on silent so I wasn’t vibrating or ringing the whole time haha.

She latched immediately. She’s such a good baby. She had her first poop in recovery!

April 26th 2011 5:49 pm, my world changed…..

Weighing 7 lbz 15 oz and 19 and a half inches long.

Violet Kairi, we love you so much!